My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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