We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
