I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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