You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
