I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
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