I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
