can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
