I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
