You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
