jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
