Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
