I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
