people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
