marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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