I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
