My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
