Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
