there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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