now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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