i think my tv is drunk
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Let's get the cat blown out
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
