I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize