hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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