god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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