If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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