You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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