I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
