My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
