I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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