i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
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We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
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You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
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