sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
