watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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