Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
