im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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