dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
