Church boner. Awkwardddd
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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