i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
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He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
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Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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