drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
