I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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