I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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