dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
