So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
