FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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