6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Houston, we have a squirter
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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