Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
