he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize