Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
