census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I want to be your penis for a week.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
