I can text with my tongue
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
