Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
