i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
why is half of my head shaved?
Will exercising make me less horny?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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