She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
