I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Damn victory sex feels great
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