Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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