my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
