3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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