Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
