I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I want her autograph on my taint
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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