They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
